Success and self-defeatism

If you know me, you probably know this about me:

            I am my own worst enemy

Self-defeatism has been my chosen method of sabotage in the past, if you have known me for a long time, you have no choice but to wholeheartedly agree. I know it, you know it, many times it is the elephant in the room.

To coin a phrase from the band Garbage, “I'm only happy when it rains.” Why else, when confronted with success would someone do something to hamper it? I can't explain it; it defies all reason and logic, even though I define myself as a reasonable and logical person.

A conundrum? Yes. Can I overcome it? Absolutely.

Borrowing another phrase, from G.I. Joe this time, “Knowing is half the battle.” Knowing that I am prone to this makes the battle a little easier. Applying this knowledge to what I need to do, what tools I need to find within and without to help me through this are how I will succeed.

I know what you're thinking: “What the hell does this have to do with working out?”

Here's the short answer: everything

Without setting goals and working towards them, how can I measure progress, or more aptly, my successes? Without a goal it is like shooting an arrow into the fog and expecting a bullseye. I am a big guy, a fat guy, one that has always been fat and one that had quietly resigned himself to always being fat. That was until I met Ryan. I believe that without his help, I would have been happy to maintain my body weight, losing a bit here and gaining a bit there, but really never doing anything about it.

I have been over 300 lbs for about the last 8 or 9 years of my life. Sometimes as low as 320, sometimes as high as 370, but never as low as I am now (302.5) and never below 300 lbs. I've been stuck at this point for over a week now, is it that I'm not working as hard in the gym? Nope. Ryan does a great job of pushing me and keeping up muscle confusion for maximum weight loss. Is it injury? No again.

I think we can all guess what it is....poor eating choices.

These are decisions I make each day, a few days of poor eating has caused me to gain a couple extra pounds and move farther away from my short term goal of breaking the 300 lb barrier. I don't think I am alone in this, I think its something we all do. Success comes knocking, we are on a great run of weight loss, we get arrogant, we slip back into those comfortable eating habits. Pizza, cookies, chocolate. You get the idea.

It starts with going out and deciding to get a salad when at dinner, sure a salad is a healthy choice, but what if it's a ceasar salad? Or going with the “healthy” choice of a whole grain crust for your pizza at BP, even though you know you're only lying to yourself.

I believe in the idea of a cheat day, but diligence is what is needed here, because cheat day turns into cheat days, turns into cheat week and there I am, back to where I started. Unhealthy, fat and with a poor self-image.

So for now, cheat day is not in my vocabulary, sweat, hard work and healthy food choices are the flavor of the day. I look forward to writing the blog celebrating a short-term goal any day now, because I know I will get there by watching what I eat and with Ryan's help.